Dear Mr. and Mrs. Average Pet Owner:
Thank you for contacting us animal rescuers, shelter
volunteers, and foster-homes about your inability to keep
your pet. We receive an extremely high volume of inquiries
and requests to accept surrendered animals (and none of us
is getting paid, OK?). To help us expedite your problem as
quickly as possible, please observe the following
guidelines:
1. Do not say that you are "CONSIDERING finding a good
home" for your pet, or that you, "feel you MIGHT be forced
to," or that you "really THINK it would be better if" you
unloaded the poor beast. Ninety-five percent of you have
already got your minds stone-cold made up that the animal
WILL be out of your life by the weekend at the latest. Say
so. If you don't, I'm going to waste a lot of time giving
you common-sense, easy solutions for very fixable problems,
and you're going to waste a lot of time coming up with
fanciful reasons why the solution couldn't possibly work
for you. For instance, you say the cat claws the furniture,
and I tell you about nail-clipping and scratching posts and
aversion training, and then you go into a long harangue
about how your husband won't let you put a scratching post
in the family room, and your ADHD daughter cries if you use
a squirt bottle on the cat, and your congenital thumb
abnormalities prevent you from using nail scissors and
etc., etc. Just say you're getting rid of the cat.
2. Do not waste time trying to convince me how nice and
humane you are. Your co-worker recommended that you contact
me because I am nice to animals, not because I am nice to
people, and I don't like people who "get rid of" their
animals. "Get rid of" is my least favorite phrase in any
language. I hope someone "gets rid of" YOU someday. I am an
animal advocate, not a people therapist. After all, for
your ADHD daughter, you can get counselors, special
teachers, doctors, social workers, etc. Your pet has only
me, and people like me, to turn to in his or her need, and
we are unpaid, overworked, stressed-out, and demoralized.
So don't tell me this big long story about how, "We love
this dog so much, and we even bought him a special bed that
cost $50, and it is just KILLING us to part with him, but
honestly, our maid is just awash in dog hair every time she
cleans, and his breath sometimes just reeks of liver, so
you can see how hard we've tried, and how dear he is to us,
but we really just can't . . ." You are not nice, and it is
not killing you. It is, in all probability, literally
killing your dog, but you're going to be just fine once the
beast is out of your sight. Don't waste my time trying to
make me like you or feel sorry for you in your plight.
3. Do not try to convince me that your pet is
exceptional and deserves special treatment. I don't care if
you taught him to sit. I don't care if she's a beautiful
Persian. I have a waiting list of battered and/or
whacked-out animals who need help, and I have no room to
foster-house your pet. Do not send me long messages
detailing how Fido just l-o-v-e-s blankies and carries his
favorite blankie everywhere, and oh, when he gets all
excited and happy, he spins around in circles, isn't that
cute? He really is darling, so it wouldn't be any trouble
at all for us to find him a good home. Listen, we can go
down to the pound and count the darling, spinning,
blankie-loving beasts on death row by the dozens, any day
of the week. And, honey, Fido is a six-year-old
Shepherd-Lab mix. I am not lying when I tell you that big,
older, mixed-breed, garden-variety dogs are almost
completely unadoptable, and I don't care if they can
whistle Dixie or send semaphore signals with their
blankies. What you don't realize is that, though you're
trying to lie to me, you're actually telling the truth:
Your pet IS a special, wonderful, amazing creature. But
this mean old world does not care. More importantly, YOU do
not care, and I can't fix that problem.
All I can do is grieve for all the exceptional animals
who live short, brutal, loveless lives and die without
anyone ever recognizing that they were indeed very, very
special.
4. Finally, just, for pity' s sake, for the animal's
sake, tell the truth, and the whole truth. Do you think
that if you just mumble that your cat is "high-strung," I
will say, "Okey-doke! No problemo!" and take it into foster
care? No, I will start a asking questions and uncover the
truth, which is that your cat has not used a litter box in
the last six months. Do not tell me that you "can't" crate
your dog. I will ask what happens when you try to crate
him, and you will either be forced to tell me the symptoms
of full-blown, severe separation anxiety, or else you will
resort to lying some more, wasting more of our time.
And, if you succeed in placing your pet in a shelter or
foster care, do not tell yourself the biggest lie of all:
"Those nice people will take him and find him a good home,
and everything will be fine." Those nice people will indeed
give the animal every possible chance, but if we discover
serious health or behavior problems, if we find that your
misguided attempts to train or discipline him have driven
him over the edge, we will do what you are too immoral and
cowardly to do: We will hold the animal in our arms,
telling him truthfully that he is a good dog or cat,
telling him truthfully that we are sorry and we love him,
while the vet ends his life.
How can we be so heartless as to kill your pet, you ask?
Do not ever dare to judge us. At least we tried. At least
we stuck with him to the end. At least we never abandoned
him to strangers, as you certainly did, didn't you? In
short, this little old rescuer/foster momma has reached the
point where she would prefer you pet owners to tell her
stories like this:
"We went to Wal-Mart and picked up a free pet in the
parking lot a couple of years ago. Now we don't want it
anymore. We're lazier than we thought. We've got no
patience either. We're starting to suspect the animal is
really smarter than we are, which is giving us self-esteem
issues. Clearly, we can't possibly keep it. Plus, it might
be getting sick; it's acting kind of funny.
"We would like you to take it in eagerly,
enthusiastically, and immediately.
"We hope you'll realize what a deal you're getting and
not ask us for a donation to help defray your costs. After
all, this is an (almost) pure-bred animal, and we'll send
the leftover food along with it. We get the food at
Wal-Mart too, and boy, it's a really good deal,
price-wise".
"We are very irritated that you haven't shown pity on us
in our great need and picked the animal up already. We
thought you people were supposed to be humane! Come and get
it today. No, we couldn't possibly bring it to you; the
final episode of "Survivor II" is on tonight."
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Pet Owner, for your
cooperation.
